Happy 2nd Birthday!

Well here it is Matthew. You are 2 years old today. How odd that at the same time it was only yesterday you were born, to feeling like a lifetime ago. As we prepare for your party, I am taking a few moments here and there to convince myself that you truly existed. A part of my brain is telling me that maybe you were a dream. Is that my brain protecting me? I am unsure. But it scares me. I want to remember everything about you. We have been thinking of your birthday for the past month. The kids’ excitement has been building up with planning and executing your special day. They have been talking about you much more than usual which is quite pleasing. I love how you are an active member of our family. They have been working diligently on your wish lanterns. We picked out your cake. And they made the decision that today we will take it easy. No school so they don’t get distracted. They have also been excited for today. But this morning, it seems a little more sombre than usual. Yes, they are excited and yes they are talking about you a lot. But there is sadness in the air. I am hearing more “I miss Matthew” today. You not being here has left a great hole in our family. But we look forward to this evening when we go to the lake to send off your lanterns. As the kids look for your star, please shine brightly for them.

I have been feeling pretty good the last couple of months. Yes, we have been dealing with the health concerns of your soon to be born little brother. But we get so much optimistic information that keeps sounding better. Maybe you are lending a hand in the miracles we recieve? I can only tell myself so. But at the same time, I realize that I am getting through okay as I start each day the same. When I wake up, I ask God to help me get through today. I do not ask for more. That is as far ahead as I can work towards. Your second year has proven much more difficult since the reality of your departure is much more real. I am seeing other 2 year olds run and laugh and play and I’m saddened at the same time watching them makes me happy. Sad that you are not reaching these milestones. But happy as I see where you would be and it helps keep you real in my heart. I have been well for the most part and have been so excited for today. I thought I would be fine. But alas, this morning I have awoken and feel very heavy and slow. My brain feels cloudy and overburdened. Tired like. I just have this void weighing down on me. I am going through my day, but I just don’t feel up to being normal. I can only imagine that every February 21st for the rest of my life will feel this way. I don’t like it, but I have no other choice. If I did, you would be here. I think the reason I am holding myself together as well as I am today, is that I believe God has spoken to me through todays daily devotional:

“Yes, the great miracle remains: that, small and weak, we can bring love into this world. Through us, God can speak.”

You Matthew, are a miracle. And I believe you brought love into this world and let God speak to me through you. I will never forget the beautiful gift you are. Happy birthday my special little boy. I love you more than I could ever express in words. My heart overflows for you. Have a great party in heaven.

All my love,
Mommy