Living With Guilt.
Since the death of my son I have been living with guilt. The guilt that comes with buying into this whole scam of mental health. Sure we need to be mentally healthy, but how many of us are so ill that we need a medication to make us better? I didn’t question the fact that my first sample of antidepressants didn’t come with the papers of side effects and warnings. My doctor gave me all those and I believed him just as I’m sure he believed what he was telling me. I’ve seen many times, the men and women who come into the office with their rolling briefcase asking to speak with the physicians. I knew who they were. I assumed that drug reps are bringing important information to the doctors on a new medical breakthrough their company has done. A medication that may help thousands of people. What I didn’t know is that these salespeople are legal drug dealers. That the product they may be pushing is doing more harm than good. I bought into this whole epidemic of mental illness that is plaguing our world. But my research has taught me otherwise. They are pushing products for imaginary illnesses. That these drugs, we’re told, are safe and may have a few side effects. But we’ll find one that works. I remember why we settled on Effexor. It gave me the least side effects. And why are they called side effects anyways? The clinical trials show that the actual medication only works in a few percent more cases than the placebo does. And they cause these effects. And when the effects don’t go away, we get our dose increased or add another medication to help with them while causing their own. So here we are, mentally ill people, at the mercy of these drugs to keep us functioning. Effexor has caused me to have minimal feeling. Detachment. Floating outside myself and chronic headaches. I’ve been given the mantra for each pregnancy when I questioned the use of these drugs and their safety; “the benefits outweigh the risks”. What are my risks if I get off of these for my pregnancy. Well, they worry I’ll spiral down into depression and become suicidal. Wow. I’ve only been suicidal once. I was married to a mental abusing wife beater. It was after I was put on antidepressants to help with sever chronic depression. When I told my doctor how I felt, he increased my dose. I spent a week in the psych ward and monitored. Since then I have left this man and married the man who has been my best friend since I met him. I gained strength from my children to move forward. The real risks of getting off of these is the withdrawal effects that my doctor was worried about, especially during pregnancy. Besides, he checked the big blue book of pharmeceuticals to see if they were safe. He didn’t find any warnings for pregnancy problems. Looking at it after losing Matthew though, he read it with his eyes open. In tiny print is a warning. But it is quite vague. He also noticed that the book doesn’t have it listed by drug, but by name brand. These books are put out by the drug companies themselves. A giant advertisement put out by the biggest marketers. They are biased and don’t want these warnings printed too visibally since it could hurt their sales. They have amazing drug sales reps who work for the almighty dollar and don’t give all the facts to the physicians they speak to. They make the drugs sound wonderful. Helpful. Maybe life saving. They manipulate numbers and clinical testing. Doctors get rewarded by how much they prescribe. Not kickbacks; incentives. These books need to be put out by a nonbiased third party listing what the dangers are, and Health Canada has recommended as much. This is a demand of mine to prevent others from trusting and living with guilt
Weaning from my Effexor is letting me feel again. Not that “on the outside looking in, not really feeling feelings”. I FEEL. I have a love for my children I never realized I could have. I also have hurt that I didn’t realize I could feel. But with this hurt is anger. Anger that my son didn’t have to die. That he’s just a statistic along with other children like Indiana Delahunty. The facts are covered up as “some baby’s just die”. The Drug industry wants us to believe this, so we will continue taking them. Anger at their power. They have thousands, even millions of clients who believe they are ill, taking drugs that give them medical problems that need different drugs, and becoming dependent on them. Wow. What a marketing scheme. They have literally thousands of lifetime customers. I no longer want to be complacent. I want to be angry. Anger moves me to make changes. To speak out. To not be afraid of the truth. Matthew’s death is not an anamoly. It is a direct effect to a powerful drug that causes so much harm. Matthew was murdered and his killers need to be held accountable. Doctors need to know the truth of the prescription drugs they are writing. We need to be a society responsible for our own mental well being. Those of us who know the truth, need to spread the truth. No more people should be harmed. I am taking a stand. Matthew has a purpose.