July 24, 2009 at 1:22 am 5 comments

I know what it’s like to live with.

I had an appointment for testing for carpal tunnell syndrome at the hospital I delivered Matthew in. It wasn’t too bad. I go through the front doors to admitting. That’s fine. They sent me around the corner to where I had to have my test. That was fine too. Right before the gift shop. It seemed all fine. The gift shop is like the cut-off zone. Just past the gift shop is the hallway with the bank of elevators and stairs that either go down to the cafeteria or upstairs to the maternity ward. I looked down the hallway, but it was all fine.
While waiting for my name to be called, one of the maternity doctors came in. Not the doctor that delivered, he wasn’t on call that day, but the doctor I saw the upcoming weeks and months prior to Matthew’s birthdate. Seeing him walk in with a nurse and laughing and unaware that one of his patients was watching him, hit me like a punch to the stomach. He glanced my direction but obviously didn’t reconize me. Why would he? I ‘m just a statistic. He went into the stair case and I was reeling. I had two feelings. Curl up on the floor and cry or confront him and ask him if the ward gives better care to the patients that have been exposed to medication. To ask him if they now have become more vigilant and watch the babies after they are born. But I did nothing. I just sat in the chair filling with emotions I didn’t know what to do with. If it wasn’t enough while I was struggling with that, a lady came out of an elevator with the same carseat as Matthew’s only hers had a happy little baby in there. I started to cry and just about lost myself when I was called in. Distraction is amazing. I focused on my tests and held a conversation with the physician. The nurse poked her head in to tell me that my husband was out in the waiting room.
When I was finished, I went out, but Amery wasn’t there. I went to the front door and back but couldn’t find him. I had a little thought that maybe he went upstairs, but he didn’t have any reason to go up there. So I waited and he finally came up from the cafeteria. I said I was ready to leave and he walked towards the stairs again. I was okay until I got past the gift shop. That’s when I panicked. I didn’t want to go any further. I kept asking him why we needed to walk this way. Why can’t we go out the front. I didn’t get an answer so I went. I got a big knot in my stomach. My heart started to pound like it was trying to jump out of my chest. My back hurt. I started to feel shaky and light headed. I felt sick. I wanted to be anywhere but there. We weren’t even going upstairs, but I took these stairs so many times while waiting for Matthew to be born. It was claustrophobic. I’ve had a panic attack soon after my car accident years ago, but this was worse. It took everything I had to keep from screaming and running. But I couldn’t make a scene. That would scare my kids. The bottom line is I’m mommy and seeing me cry and knowing I’m sad and missing Matthew, and that’s troublesome for them. So I moved quickly.
That was this morning. 6 1/2 hours ago and I still have the brick in my stomach. It feels like someone has their hands tightly around my throat. My nerves are buzzing. I can’t stand this. I am certain this is PTSD. It must be. I have never reacted to a place like I did today. I don’t ever want to go past that gift shop again. How will I have this next baby? I can’t go back there. I don’t think anyone would be able to drag me past the elevators again. The nervousness this has caused me today is overwhelming and distracting. I try to focus on other things, but I can’t. I keep seeing the elevators and being overwhelmed with the feelings I had upon leaving them with an empty womb and empty carseat. This loss I am reminded of is crippling. I need to find a way to get through this and on with my life, but if little things like this will trigger me, will I ever be safe? Are these fears hiding around corners waiting for me? I hate surprises. I’ve always said that if I died in a car accident, I want to see it coming. I pretty much have been controlling when these emotions affect me, but this hospital surprised me with a fear lying in wait to attack me.


Entry filed under: Effexor, Infant Death, Infant loss, Pregnacy, Uncategorized. Tags: .

Now What? Please take action today in honor of Indi

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amy Philo  |  July 26, 2009 at 3:17 am

    Are there other hospitals around you? Are there midwives or birth centers / home birth midwives?

  • 2. Christiane Schultz  |  July 26, 2009 at 5:03 am

    I don’t think it’s safe to have at home. Most of my deliveries have been complicated. I went into anaphalaxis with Emilie. Cole was okay. Jacob, almost died. Andrew was induced and of course Matthew. I don’t think I’d be allowed a home birth with my history. With Jacob, I had a doula, but she came almost too late. Labor and delivery was 20 minutes. It took her 15 minutes to arrive at the hospital. I think if I’m forced to induce again, I will go to Abbotsford. They’re huge. Have a new hospital and they saved Jacob. And I’d be an hour from Vancouver. But if I can go natural, I think I’ll go to Vernon. My niece had two there and said they’re good. And my parents live 20 minutes away. If I can take their stress. But I don’t think I could be dragged conciously into that hospital for delivery.

  • 3. Amy Philo  |  August 8, 2009 at 12:59 am

    That’s the bad part – with labor and delivery at 20 minutes for one of your babies you could get stuck having the baby in the car. I recommend reading The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth. Also some of those problems you had before may have been caused by the Effexor, pitocin, epidurals, etc. You should get a backup midwife or doula in case you wind up delivering on your garage floor. Or be prepared to call an ambulance or something.

    • 4. schultzc  |  August 8, 2009 at 2:50 am

      That’s why I’m induced. But I’m not worried this time. I’m going to stay in Armstrong and deliver in Vernon. Sure the hospital is 15 minutes away, but just days before my due date, I can stay closer to the hospital. I will be staying in a motorhome. So, I can pretty much stay across the street from the hospital if need be. I don’t want to be induced again. Labor is soooo much longer and painful. I’ve only had two that way. I enjoy natural. Fast, easy and no painkillers. Easy. I want to do that way again.

  • 5. Christian Delahunty  |  September 4, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    wow, your experience at the hospital is completely normal….Extremely painfull but normal…. I had to go to primary children’s a while back, to a memorial of all the children who had passed away in 2008. I am telling you now that I was not the only one who was having the hardest time just being there. It was the first time I had been back, and it hit me at the elevators. I remember taking the elevators daily when we were there. It all comes flooding back, even the smells I remember. It was a beautiful ceremony and they had a video with pictures and names of all, I could barely make myself watch, for one, my eyes were almost swollen shut from the constant crying. And when the bagpipes played “Amazing Grace” I knew I had enough. I could not take it anymore… At Indi’s funeral we had a piper who played “Flowers in the forest” and “Amazing Grace” It was the most heart wrentching beautiful tribute. Those feelings of pain when your in the place where tragedy struck will never go away. You are brave just to have gone there in the first place. I know we will not be delivering at the hospitol that Indi was born in…. Somethings are just better left behind….. Thinking of you and what your going through…..Hang in there… ya…


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  • Is not coping well at all. Loss sucks! 8 years ago
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