My Eternal Abyss
Today I am feeling like I am out of space and time. I don’t know where I am, where I’m going or how I’m going to get there.
The biggest dilemma in my life right now should be deciding whether when I start my little guy on solids is if it will be purchased baby food or our dinner pureed. Do I feel lazy this time or go forth with the homemade dinner like my other kids. I should be listening to the children argue who gets to feed the baby next. Instead I am aimlessly going about my life wondering yet again if Matthew truly did exist. And the sadness at why he had to leave me. I have a purpose now I know, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. Am I even doing anything worthwhile? Am I helping anyone? I don’t even think I am helping myself. It has been almost 6 months and what has changed? I am still the mother to a dead child. That’s it. We now know with testing that prolonged QT syndrome, something that may have killed him, is not genetic at least. So we are back to PPHN and Effexor. But still, what good does that do us? Where do we go from here? The company that sells the drug spends more money marketing it than testing it. I asked Amery how a company can live with themselves when people are at risk and dying. He says billions of dollars help them cope. I’m not asking for money. I’m asking for my son. And since I know that can’t happen, I’m asking for people to be accountable and to stop harming other people. But who am I to these people. NOTHING. That’s what I am. A terribly hurting, lonely and so sad of a human being that means nothing to where it matters. If I can’t have my child back, what can I do? How do I help. How do I change things? How do I get out of limbo where nothing has changed but my entire future. How do I get out of this black abyss that keeps sucking me back in. Without change, I won’t be able to move on. But can a few people change things? We don’t have money. We don’t have power. We don’t have anything that makes a difference. We are just another statistic that the drug company won’t even count in their stats. How do we prove to them it was their drug that killed him? He was just a healthy baby that stopped breathing an hour after birth because of capillary congestion at the time withdrawal would have taken effect. But I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Of course. I don’t have the $$$$ and expensive lawyers. I just have a birth and death certificate of someone who doesn’t matter in their world. But he sure matters in mine.