Okay. 6 months. It’s just another month that Matthew has been taken from us. Why should this month be any different? It’s not the first, and it’s not his anniversary. So why does 6 months bother me so much?
Because I should be deciding that he should try something solid. Maybe some water too. He doesn’t need to be exculsively breastfed anymore. Would he be anxious for some food like Emilie, Cole and Andrew? Or show absoulutely no interest until he’s well over 8 months like Jacob? Would he have teeth yet? Jacob and Andrew didn’t. How would he like his first foods? Would he more interested in his dessert like most of them or his veggies like Cole? And I am so curious about his hair. He had such beautiful strawberry blonde hair. My first one. Would he have lots now like Emilie and Cole? Or still look bald like Jacob and Andrew? He would graduate from the front pouch to the backpack. He would be above me looking down at everything and having more freedom. More to see. These questions make me crazy. But these are just some of my big concerns at the 6 month period.
But also, at this point in time is a major time for a tradition I’ve started and did for all of my children. When my baby turns 6 months, we make an appointment at a photo studio. We go in, just the two of us and get a mommy and me portrait. They all have one. I put it in a nice frame and it hangs over the child’s bed. Just look in bedrooms in my house and you know who sleeps where without the children being there. Their picture is over their bed. Emilie, Cole, Jacob, and Andrew. Would he be happy and easy going for our portrait like Emilie, Cole and Andrew. Or would he be uninterested like Jacob? What would he look like? Would he still look just like Andrew, or would he grow into his own features? Would he have blue eyes? How about daddy’s dimples? Would he be laid back or noisy? What would his laugh sound like? Who would be his favorite sibling? I know he would love them all, but they each have their favorite. Would we go into the studio and get it done in one or two pictures like Emilie and Cole? or would the poor photographer have to take like 100 pictures to just settle on a decent one like Jacob and Andrew. Would he be fussy and refuse to cooperate? What do I put in the frame I bought for this picture when I found out I was pregnant? It’s almost too much to bear. But I can’t break down. It scares the children. I must internalize this as well.
It breaks my heart to know that I can’t share this tradition with him too. It’s another kick to the stomach when I reach another milestone. I know there will be lots of them too. As he get older, he will accomplish more things and it will hurt then too. But right now, his death is still fresh and this is a big one for me. With how difficult this time is I can’t even imagine his coming birthday. How will I do it? How will I make it through? I will. I know. I won’t have a choice. I’m doing it now. I don’t like it, but what else can I do? I need to remember what I can of him and talk to him everyday like I do now. But as hard as I try, the only physical memories I can dig up from my brain are when he was being resucitated. I can’t remember him alive. I have to think of pictures or the video. Those memories of his life seem missing from my thoughts. How? I need those. I can vividly bring up all the trauma during his finding and CPR and tubes. I remember him recieving his last rites and baptism. I wish I would have gotten pictures of those. But I didn’t and I hope those don’t disappear too. But I need to remember my son in life too.