October 10, 2009 at 9:51 pm Leave a comment


After reading the comment Amery recieved on our blog, it got me thinking.  Especially about how others can assume when someone should have more
or no more children.  I could never imagine telling anyone who has lost a child when would be a better time for them to concieve again would be.
All I could say is that when you are ready, then it’s time.  And to assume that becoming pregnant again is like replacing that child., another baby could
never replace one that is lost, that is just plain outrageous.  Like a new child will make a parent forget the one that was lost.  It’s not just a lost child,
but a lost future and dreams.  So many other things.
Amery and my first attempt at pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  We were devastated.  I understand not as much as with Simon or Matthew.   As this baby
miscarried in its first 8 weeks.  We became pregnant with Cole the following cycle.  And although Cole and our subsequent children have brought us great
joy, we can’t forget that baby either.  We miscarried on July 31, 2001.  We remember that date every year with sadness to the loss of our fist child.
Matthew is a great loss.  To hold a new and healthy baby after birth with such love and excitement and watch him crash and die within an hour because
staff assumes he’s okay even after I knew there was something wrong with him.  A simple machine to save his life.  His death was mind blowing.  The anger that
follows a preventable death is insurmountable.  And the sadness in the first couple of months following that didn’t result in a pregnancy, were losses in
themselves.  The happiness this pregnancy brought was almost too much to bear.
We begged Matthew to go to God and ask him to help pick his next sibling for us.  His own special little brother or sister that he could help watch over.
And Matthew was always on our minds with this one.  Did he pick a brother or a sister?  Dark, blonde or red-headed?  What colour eyes did he help pick.
And that this baby would know Matthew too, just like the rest of his siblings.  And although I was scared of what was to come, with a feeling of doom
lurking.  A thought in the back of my head that this one wouldn’t come home too, was also filled with dreams of its future.  I prayed for this one and talked
with Matthew on its future.  For Matthew to continue to cheer us on from heaven while we did our best to be good Christians and raise our kids to be good
Christians so we could one day be united together forever in Heaven in the prescence of our Holy Father and Creator.
But I understand that it’s not meant to be.  I am sure I will never know why, or ever understand why.  But I have to accept it.  We have no choice.  We have
6 living wonderful children.  Even if they’re not all ours by birth, they are still gifts given to us from God.  I will have my pictures, my tributes and my memories for the
first child and our following two boys.  How blessed are we to already have 3 children having won their way to the finish line.  Our duties as Christian parents
to help our children get to heaven and we have 3 already there.  That is such an amazing feeling.  3 saints of our own up there cheering us on our races to heaven.
I can picture our 3 children up there holding hands and encouraging us every day.  Waiting for us to join them.  That picture makes me cry, but they are tears of
such happiness that I cannot express it into words.  Faith is my saving grace.  When asked if I’m mad at God, I wonder why?  What did he do?  He’s grieving
with me.  He’s comforting my children until we arrive.  We had the same priest that gave Matthew his last rites and baptism come and meet Simon and give
him his blessings and baptism.  He told me I’m a woman of great faith.  I will hold on to that.  As my grief for my children sometimes overwhelms me, my faith
moves me forward.  And hopefully forward will include more children to love and share my faith with.  Children are a wonderful gift from God and I am not
quite ready to stop loving Amery so much as to spring forth new life with him. 
So yes I am hurting badly every day and miss my children immensley.  I hang on to words of encouragement from others to help me heal.  But anyone who
feels they are benifiting a grieving mother by telling them when they “should” have more children or if they “should” even have more children is a low and
rotten thing to do in a time like this.  As mothers to lost ones, we know what we are capable of.  We are not weak women incapable of the decision to decide
to try again.  We know the potential of love waiting for us.  Be supportive, not a guru with the answers.  Those don’t help.  Just tell us, you’re sorry for our
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6


The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

–Reinhold Niebuhr


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Devastated 8 months

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  • Is not coping well at all. Loss sucks! 8 years ago
  • is scared to bond with this baby, just in case. 8 years ago
  • Happy 6 months today baby. I love you Matthew. 8 years ago
  • Living with loss, sucks. 8 years ago
  • Thinking I need to discuss plans for this baby soon or I will be having it in my doctors office. Where do I deliver? 8 years ago
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October 2009
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