It’s 4 days until Christmas. You would be 10 months old today. It’s getting tough. I thought I was hanging in there pretty good too. I was a little nervous with Christmas coming. But here is your marker. You would be so big now. Would you be pulling yourself up to stand by now? What would you be doing to my tree? How many teeth? So many new things to experience with you. So many losses other than just your death to also be reminded of. But it comes down to gratitude. Gratitude sounds like such a challenging word at a time like this. Is this even an attainable goal after one loses a child? I know in my head that I have so much to be grateful for. 6 living beautiful children and a husband who is also my best friend. The challenge is getting it to touch my heart when I’m overwhelmed with despair and loss. I am reminded of the saying that grief is a gift. Without experiencing grief, could I even grasp the capacity to love and be loved?
I’ve read that the deeper we have loved the deeper we will grieve. I am shown through this just how much I love you. I’ve also been told by others in trying to help me that since you lived for so short a time and that I never really got to know you, that it should be easier to move on and forget you. How could I ever forget about you? Could a parent ever forget the privelege of loving, caring and cherishing their child? You may have been with me for 9 months within and a couple of hours outside, but I am your mother and I could never forget all those things with you. I feel all the more reason to hang on tight to all those precious memories.
I think of Mary, the mother of my loving and wonderful God and take comfort. She loved Jesus with a pure heart and she had to watch him suffer and die. To bury her only child. She knew from the beginning that her child had a great purpose, but it must have been the most terrible feelings overcoming her to watch her child go through what he had to for salvation. His suffering and death would have left her with a great emptiness that she filled with Gods’ love. She was a brave and faithful woman. I take her words to the depths of my soul as they are quoted in the bible, “But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19). I look to Mary as my pillar of strength. I wait for the day that your death shows me its greater purpose.
So when I am filled with so much pain and sadness, I need to be thankful for the wonderful gift of love that you have shown me. To treasure every moment I had with you and ponder them in my heart.