“My First Christmas in Heaven”

December 25, 2009 at 1:12 am Leave a comment

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR pleas wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can’t compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can’t tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face?

I’ll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

by Wanda Bencke
Christmas is here Matthew. How would this busy season be for you? The presents this Christmas morning I know wouldn’t be as fun as the paper, ribbons and bows. To see you at church in your little suit would be so cute. So many new experiences and sights to see. I am overwhelmed today at how much we are missing with you and especially you.

It’s surprising how often I am reminded that even though my grief gets a little easier each day I grieve of the future never to be’s. That’s where I am today. Where you would be. Just so many things about you I would love to get to know and I grieve the loss of that. My support group for parents of angels is great. But they have all lost their children after they grew up. They are finding it hard to go through the holiday without them too. They celebrate their children’s lives by visiting with their child’s friends and going to the places they enjoyed. And talking about their lives. Now I’ve realized I’m grieving that. I don’t have those memories of you. I don’t know your likes and dislikes. I don’t know anything about you. Who do I reminisce about you with?

Nobody knew you as well as I did and I hardly know you. All I know of you is that you enjoyed music. It settled you down. And I know that you got excited when your brothers played. I also know you moved towards my hand when I rubbed your back or feet through my belly. That’s it. I don’t even know what would have made you smile. Would I be one of those things that made you smile? Would the sound of my voice be enough to make you smile? I look at Andrew, the one you looked so much like. I try to picture you at his age. Would you tell me 100 times a day that you love me so much just like he does? Would you enjoy cuddling me too? Just so many questions. I get confused at what’s more difficult in this whole process. Grieving you or what would have been. Sometimes it’s what would have been since I don’t have memories with you. And that makes me cry so much, because I’m afraid that not knowing you means I don’t miss you.

As I look at the tree and the stockings and wonder all this and I get depressed. Christmas is supposed to be a happy and fun time. And baby, I am trying. At least for your siblings sake. But it’s so hard. No gifts for your stocking. No gifts under the tree for you. No game of pass the baby while everyone gets a chance to open their presents. No baby’s first Christmas bib. No you crying while posed with Santa. No happiness for me this year. I am thinking about you so hard today that it physically hurts. Please know that I love you so much and miss you deeply. But please also know. I am still a mommy and I have to put on a happy face for your brothers and sisters this Christmas morning. And just because I’m smiling, laughing, taking lots of pictures and playing with the new toys with the others; doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. You are on my mind and in my heart. I will not forget you. I just have to continue.

Things will never go back to normal. Only there will now be a new normal. And that’s the best I can do. For the rest of my life, I will miss you Matthew, and love you with a love I could never express in words. Merry Christmas my baby boy


Entry filed under: Effexor, Infant Death, Infant loss, mothers act, Pregnacy, psychiatry, Uncategorized.

10 months Hurting today.

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