Hurting today.

January 15, 2010 at 10:56 pm Leave a comment

I have been overtaken by a new kind of grief. This grief is compounded with the fact that I just learned that I did not get pregnant this month. I am wondering why this is happening to me. I am facing a disappointment after disappointment. This lack of pregnancy this time is harder than the month before conceiving Simon. I am wanting to be pregnant so bad right now and also filled with fear that another pregnancy could bring me another loss. But this is a loss as well. I am grieving the child that wasn’t even made. My arms are aching to hold another baby. My soul is missing Matthew. I don’t ever want anyone to think I could ever replace him. He is in my heart forever. Matthew will always be my little boy. But I am so filled with a desire for more children but face the fear that maybe there will be no more. I realize I am getting ahead of myself, but I grow impatient. So many beautiful babies around me. We look at these babies, Amery and I, and look at each other with pain. Where is our baby we ask. We want more little ones to share our love and memories of Matthew and Simon to. We look forward to telling them every little detail of their brothers. And although I am hurt I also realize, there was nothing I could have done differently this month. I did not even ovulate. No egg to fertilize. I hope this is not a new problem I will face, but I do not know. I have the comfort in my previous charting knowing that I can still ovulate. We just put so much into this last month. And maybe all that stress had everything to do with it. But I ache to fill these arms. To feed my child from me in the complete bonding of breastfeeding. Will it happen again?

I also think that it will soon be time to plan a birthday party. I’ve thrown many first birthday parties in my past. But a birthday party for my angel baby? Where do I begin? I am bombarded with thoughts of what normally happens. How big the baby is or how they act. The cake and balloons. Squeals of delight and screams of being overwhelmed. Maybe I will still hear these sounds from my other children as we get through his day. I need to make this day special, but if it’s anything like Christmas, I may not be able to get out of bed. All I know right now is how horribly, terribly and overwhelmingly I miss my little boy.

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear….
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren’t here for very long….
Why is it, you couldn’t stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
“These things I do not know….
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so”.

Author Unknown

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“My First Christmas in Heaven”

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  • Is not coping well at all. Loss sucks! 7 years ago
  • is scared to bond with this baby, just in case. 7 years ago
  • Happy 6 months today baby. I love you Matthew. 7 years ago
  • Living with loss, sucks. 7 years ago
  • Thinking I need to discuss plans for this baby soon or I will be having it in my doctors office. Where do I deliver? 7 years ago
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