Giving myself up to God.
I have made the committment to give my problems and anxieties to God. I will let him take care of that for me and I will work on living the best way He asks me to be. For lent this year, the kids and I decided to pray more together. We ask for the same thing. A new baby to come home and love. I felt so much lighter this past month after giving my problems to God. Things were looking better. I got through Simon’s due date after celebrating Matthew’s first birthday/angel date with much joy. I felt close to God and my boys. Our family is feeling better. We seem closer to God and to each other. But I am still overtaken by grief when I realize that yet again I am not pregnant. And as much as I give my sadness and pain to God, my depression is that open door for the devil to feed me lies and pain. I hear his words over and over especially on a day like today when there is no future child for us. The words are clear, “Why, if God loves you, does he continue to cause you pain? If God is so good, why does he not hear your prayers and give you another baby? If God is so giving, why does he continue to take away from you? He’s abandoned you. Just give up.” Those words are continually coming into my head and I know I must fight them. I know God loves me and he hurts with me. He does not want to see me unhappy. He does not want me to be in pain and turmoil. He has a plan for me. I just need to continue giving to Him and praying. I may not know why these things are happening to me, but I know He is there with me. He will bring me joy one day. I just need to be patient. I have so much love to give to more children. But in Gods time. So as I wait, I will continue to give more love to my children and husband. To give more time to God in prayer and actions. To look to my Holy Mother who knows how horrible it is to lose her Son. She has been through trials and will give me strength and courage in my deepest depression. I only need to talk with her and allow myself to feel her comfort. I know I will get through this. I also know that satan is going to follow me and try to lure me away if I give him any openings.
So to you God. I give you my fears. My pain. My turmoil, impatience and sadness. But I also share with you my joys, loves, thoughts and my days. Please hear me and help me through this. And I beg that you take care of Matthew and Simon for me while I heal. And to please send me another one of your precious souls that I may raise a good and faithful one to earn a place with you for all eternity in heaven some day. But I also beg, that you give me some of your graces so that I may feel the courage to continue in your work even through disappointment. I will persevere. Thank you for all the gifts you have given me.
Another month, another cycle is on the way. That is another chance to bring into this world another child. I hope it will work this coming month. I will do everything I can to make it happen. But I do realize that all things are through God.
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