My Second Mother’s Day Without You.
Here we are again. Mother’s Day. The day we celebrate Motherhood. Although I am blessed with 6 living children and enjoy being their mother immensely, I am also reminded of the ones I can’t physically share my day with. Looking back at last year, my first Mother’s Day without you Matthew, I can remember just how dark that day was. The hole in my heart so big it was hard to see anything else. I spent the day with your siblings but focused mostly on my loss of you. This year I thought would be better. Easier maybe. But these past couple of weeks, I have been filled with anxiety. So much so that I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly. I am exhausted. I have lost lots of weight. It seems worse physically for me this year than last year. Like the initial shock of your loss has worn off. It has completely sunk in that you are gone from this life forever. It is not a dream or a joke. It is real. Of course, this year I am not only missing you but your brother Simon as well. I look at my family everyday and I’m reminded of my missing children. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts of where you would be today. How your personality would be. You would be on the move and probably in trouble often with your brothers. I keep thinking of your red hair and how long it would be. I think of my Mother’s Day picture of me with my children. Last year we posed with a picture of you. But do we do that again? Would it be silly to take a photo every year with your picture among us? And being the day it is, I looked at your album again. When I was finished, I was so confused. I went through your whole album and I didn’t cry. For the first time I didn’t cry. Looking at your pictures, alive and with God, and I smiled. I smiled at every photo. You brought me joy my sweet little boy. Joy that I need so much right now. Mother’s Day is a reminder of what I am not able to do right now. I failed you as a mother by not protecting you. I failed Simon as a mother by not being able to carry him to term. I failed myself and your daddy as a mother as I am unable to conceive. And I’ve failed your living brothers by exposing them to the antidepressants that killed you. I pray every day to give my sorrows to God. Every day to ask God to help me accept His will as my will. But I am failing. I cannot accept that God my merciful and loving Father, could end my family on two deaths. And I understand that if I don’t let go to Him, all my sorrows and anxieties, that those stresses may keep me from any future children. So I am asking you and Simon to help me, your mommy. Touch my heart and help me let go of my feelings of fear and failure. To completely trust in God. Help me to see the wonderful family I have and to feel your love. To move forward instead of being stuck. Help me to be the best mother that God has intended me to be. And I ask one more thing of you two special boys. While you are in Heaven with our wonderful Father this Mother’s day, that you ask for a Mother’s day gift for me. Ask God if you may help Him pick your next little sibling for us. And ask that before God lets that soul leave heaven and enter my womb, that you may kiss this child first. So that the first time I kiss that new baby, I will be kissing you back.
All my love little man. You are one [of 8] reason I love being a mommy. Even if from such a great distance. As for my other reasons, I will enjoy every minute with them as long as they are with me. Motherhood is a true gift.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
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