New Despair

June 7, 2010 at 8:42 pm 6 comments

June 2, 2010
My dearest Matthew,

I have finally come to an experience I never thought I’d meet. For the first time in my life I feel some anger at God. This anger frightens me. God is my protector and Savior and yet here I am. I have been told many times that these feelings are normal, but somehow it feels wrong. I understand that God Himself made this emotion and that He can handle all that I can give Him. But still, I don’t like living with these feelings festering beneath the surface.

Oh, son. What could possibly send me over the edge into the unknown? Why has it taken so long? You’ve been gone for 1 year, 3 months and 13 days. Wouldn’t this have made more sense when I first lost you? It just seems that since your death, so many things have piled up on me. I don’t get to watch you, my precious little boy, grow up. God took you home from me. I know it’s not to punish me. I know He hurts for me too. But the feelings are surfacing that this is unfair. Then he took Simon half way through my pregnancy. That I just can’t understand. Emilie has had to defend daddy to a little girl while swimming that said daddy suffocated you. That is such a horrible thing to do to us. Who would start a nasty rumor like that? They have torn another piece of my heart out. Like that wasn’t enough, He has taken my fertility away. And the proverbial straw that broke the camels back? That was yesterday. As much as I was trying not to get excited or even hopeful, it was there. The only time I have been “late” was when I’ve become pregnant. For 7 glorious day, I let hope creep in. And just like that, it’s gone. Since losing you, I feel as though I am the butt of some cruel joke. Why? I just don’t understand. As much as I think about it, I just don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve such pain. It just seems to never end. As though I get through one hurdle of my grief and take a tiny step forward, another disappointment is sent my way. I just want it to end. I don’t know how much more I have the strength to take before I finally lose my mind.

Of course you also understand that I am also busy filling my time enjoying the wonderful gifts of your brothers and sisters. They keep me going and they keep me happy. Being a mommy is my life’s calling and I love every moment of it. I never forget about my children with me. I give them my all. They are my life. But it’s in those quiet moments when they are in bed and the house is quiet that I get fearful. Those quiet times when I sit alone with you and Simon and think of you. Talk with you. And completely and utterly miss you. That those temptations creep up on me. I get tempted to let despair overtake me. To let anger envelope me. To cry and scream at God with hatred. I don’t really hate God, but the temptation is there when I am at my lowest. That is when I must force myself to let go a little bit more to God. To give you back to God. To say goodbye again. It is such a strange battle. You are no longer here with me and yet I have to let you go everyday. It is something that must be done everyday. I end every day with my prayers. I spend a long time begging God to help me heal. To take good care of you and your brother. To protect our family and not let us lose our faith. I give you boys to God. And I ask that He help comfort me and help me through another day.

Our co-leader at Compassionate Friends described an experience she had. She described how at councelling, her “professional” said it was important for her to describe her son as dead. That she needed to tell herself that every day. She had a real struggle with it. So she looked up all the things that dead means. She came to the conclusion that dead did not describe her son, but her. Life described her son. She has moved forward in that it is not right for us to speak in the past tense with our children. To say that we “loved” them. Because as parents to a child who has died, we know that we will always love them. They are a part of our lives everyday. They are alive in our hearts. They are never truly gone. I much prefer that way of thinking. I just wish there were more people who could understand that. If they did, then ther would be no more time frame in which we must be done our grieving. Get it done. Get over it. Move on. In reality, we will be grieving our whole lives. The only true thing that can end our grieving completely is when we die ourselves and join our children forever. From the many other parents who have lost children many years ago, I have learned that life will get easier. The grieving will get easier. And lives move forward. But I realize the truth that their grieving will always be there. Society understands that an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. They become recovering alcholics. We never go back to who we were before our child died. We will always be grieving. We evolve and become recovering parents. New people. And hopefully, we will be stronger for it.

So on this note, Matthew. I give you to God again today. And pray you know I love you. I look forward to the day when I get to see you once again and envelope you in my arms. You are always in my thoughts. You have helped me to enjoy the others so much more everyday. Please help give us the courage we need to get through our lives, one day at a time.

Loving you always,
Mommy

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Entry filed under: Effexor, Infant Death, Infant loss, mothers act, Pregnacy, psychiatry, SSRI, Uncategorized.

Don’t Tell Me Medical Advances?

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amy Philo  |  June 7, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    Who you need to be angry at are the people who made Effexor and the people who marketed it to your doctor and to you, and you need to be angry at your doctor. I can think of more than a few examples of people who do this on a daily basis and call it “help.”

    God didn’t intend for mankind to make these meds but we have free will and we do what we want to do. I don’t think that God always intervenes when our free will brings us into certain situations.

    You were not aware of the dangers and if you had been you never would have used it. Don’t lose faith. Redirect your anger at those who are really responsible. Let God help you through it.

    Reply
    • 2. schultzc  |  June 8, 2010 at 8:35 pm

      I know to be angry at them. But it doesn’t do any good. My doctor listens to me rant whenever I visit. I also understand, he really didn’t know the dangers of these meds until we told him.
      I want to be angry at the psychiatirst who put me in hospital and medicated me for 8 years, whom I’ve only ever met twice for a total of maybe 1/2 an hour. But he is on the coast somewhere with a name I never really knew.
      I’d like to take my anger out on those who market this stuff here, but have no idea where to begin. A lot of my anger revolves around not being able to make someone accountable for his preventable death. That weaning killed Simon. Or that my body is just not fertile any more right now because of this drug. Would it be easier to move forward if I lived in any other province and had a case? I will never know. The man Amery met who is an MP in Toronto who’s daughter died of prolonged QT from her meds is in what seems to be a no win situation for him. And he knows people! He says it’s like being a mosquito trying to take down a buffalo.
      So I feel stuck. My only moments of acheivement is when I can help a group with their cause. I try to help you and I’ve tried to help other women who have written me about weaning from their meds. I try to be supportive and caring. It should be enough. But unless someone here understands that Matthew’s death could have been prevented with some simple steps and do something to change that or that simple education to women is a lifesaver – I don’t think I will stop being frustrated.

      Reply
  • 3. Beth brown  |  June 7, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    I have to say…I have never been angry at God either. I had never ever questioned anything that happened in my life, and I didn’t understand how anyone could ever blame God.

    Then my daughter died. And I blamed him. That very morning, the morning she was injured…I went to the gym…got in the car and thought to myself…WOW life is really coming along. Everything is perfect, everything is great. Thank you God. 3 hours later my life changed forever.

    I was grateful for my blessings however they were taken away from me.

    It is ok if you need to be angry with him. Also with those responsible. God can handle it. He can care for you and teach you how to come back to yourself (the best you can). HE can handle the screaming and the blame and the lack of understanding, because I believe this part of life is not understanding but rather living through the trials.

    Peace be with you.
    Grief will change, you will feel differently each year. It is ironic that nearing the 1st year it seems more dififcult.

    Beth Brown

    Reply
    • 4. schultzc  |  June 8, 2010 at 8:42 pm

      Thank you. What you’ve said actually makes me feel better. I’ve had many people tell me that it’s okay to be angry with God, but until I finally did, I just couldn’t understand why.
      I don’t blame God at all for what has happened bad in my life. I thank him everyday for what is good in my life. I realize that being angry at God right now is probably the safest thing for me right now. He won’t feel bad or get angry back. He won’t hold a grudge at me or stop talking to me. He will wait me out and be there for me always. I just truly believed that my faith would keep me from being angry at Him and these feelings took me off gaurd.
      I know he didn’t take my boys away from me or my fertility. The Effexor did. And I prayed very hard for help with my newfound fertility problem. And since I’ve always used natural family planning, he showed me a new pamphlet for NFP for couples with infertility. She is working with me to get my body working again so I can hopefully have more children. So in all this, I realize, God is still helping me.
      Thank you again for your helpful words.

      Reply
  • 5. Linda  |  June 14, 2010 at 2:00 am

    To blame God is wrong. He doesn’t take anyone’s children. He has no need for children. He’s created heaven for the angels and the earth for people. He doesn’t take babies away from their mothers. God is love. If he were the one taking children he would be evil and cruel. He isn’t.

    Even Jesus cried when his friend Lazarus died. Grieving is normal. But then he resurrected him. Lazarus didn’t tell any accounts of being yanked out of heaven! If he were with God, surely he would have said so or been annoyed with Jesus for bringing him back to earth again, just to die all over again! Please don’t believe these myths that religion is teaching. God is love.

    Jesus refused all the kingdoms of the world when he was tempted. The DEVIL offered them to him. The Devil is running the earth, not God. This is the only thing that makes sense. It explains why wars happen, over and over again & why there is suffering. It’s not the people doing it. They are being played like pawns.

    Pray to God. Then be open-minded and listen and he will make all your dreams come true and offer comfort like no one else can.

    Reply
    • 6. schultzc  |  June 14, 2010 at 5:35 pm

      If you’ve read my past posts, you will see that I don’t believe God “took away” my children. I have previously said that he cried when my boys died. That he is grieving their loss along with me. I feel some anger towards Him because I have nowhere else to send my anger right now. He made the emotion of anger and he has large shoulders. He has asked us that if we need help with problems, to give them to Him. So that’s what I am doing. All my anger, anxieties and frustration, I am giving to Him so I don’t take it out on my family in some way.
      I also believe that it is sin that causes all the terrible things to happen in our world. Mary said in her appirition to the children of Fatima that if we pray the rosary everyday, we will start to have peace. Unfortunately, only a few have taken that seriously. When she appeared in Kibeho, she asked again for prayer and to turn our hearts to her Son Jesus. But again, no one seems to listen. Too much pride and not enough faith. So as long as people put other gods before our True Heavenly Father, there will be terrible things happening in this world.
      God has a plan for my boys. I don’t know what they are yet, or even if I will ever know. But there is one and I will do my best to help that plan along. So far, Matthew has helped some other women try to get off their meds so they don’t harm the children they are trying to have. That is a miracle already. And since I know that my boys are in Heaven with God already, he is helping to answer my prayers of making a difference for future children by interceding my prayers to God. How lucky am I to know that 2 of my children already have made it to heaven and are in eternal happiness. That is my goal for all of my children. To see the face of God. The kids I have with me I will do my best to train to be God loving and live by his commandments so they too may see the wonders of Heaven. As a parent, that’s all I can do. Show them there is more than what earth itself has to offer. To try to avoid sin and secularism. And pray. Every day.
      So I don’t blame God for my boys’ death. I am giving Him my anger because he is my Father and wants to help me. Just like when one of my children are angry or frustrated over something that has happened. While they are crying and sometimes screaming, I hold them and love them while they let it out. I know they are not mad at me. But they need to let it out and they know they are safe with me. That I will still love them when they are done. I am always here for them. So, why would God, my Father be any different. His love transcends anything I could ever do.
      And when my time comes to go home to God, He will let me see my boys again with a love I can’t even imagine while living on this little planet with my limited capabilites.
      Thank you God for being there for me.

      Reply

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